KYS 4.5 – I talk about a TV show.

I don’t really like to talk about TV. I am one of those holier than thou shit heads that thinks television is the work of the devil and poison to idol minds. I am not so big that I can’t admit that I watch it, and over the last few years, quite a great deal more than I used to. I’ve become particularly fond of Showtime over the last few years. They have a very intense, female fronted marque that includes a lot of very interesting lady characters. Because of that, I started watching The Big C and well, it pretty much fucked up my shit.

The beautiful Laura Linney plays a woman diagnosed with terminal cancer. So, you know, it takes a few episodes to find out what type of cancer this character has. You kind of are left to assume that it’s breast cancer, and that’s fine with me. For me the show was strong enough that I was able to overlook the assumed killer. But, in fact it is not breast cancer but Melanoma. Yup, left hook to the face, stunned and in my chair. I nearly choked when that reveal came (sorry if I fucked that up for you. I don’t like spoilers myself and I prolly should have warned you but, fuck it, watch it anyway).

There is a reality in the humor, Linney’s character quickly coming undone in fear and a necessity to live life. It really made me wonder about Clark after he got his diagnosis. I remember the day I got my minor one, and well, it changed my entire life. Almost a year later and everything is different. I am literally winding down one life and getting ready to start a new one. Cancer for me was a gift. A lucky one I don’t really have to worry about dying from, but still one that reset all the bullshit, that teaches me every day to shed my anger, my frustration, my prejudice and just live my life. Sometimes that means traveling 3,000 miles to have a staycation on your best friend’s couch. Sometimes that means staying up late listening to insane hip hop records. Sometimes that means uprooting your life from a state and city you love so much and moving away from everyone you know and love and want in your life to break away the madness. Sometimes it means doubting yourself and everything you ever did and undermine anything you want to do. Sometimes it means being terrified as fuck, thinking you fucked everything up and get consumed with regret. Sometimes it just feels good that you don’t have to create adventure, that life is an adventure in itself. Sometimes it’s watching 35 hours of True Blood hoping to catch Anna Paquin naked.

There is not a day I don’t think about Clark, his friends, his mother (whom I never met), and my friend Rebbecca who was with him through all that crazy shit, the fear, the impulse, the irrationality, the hurt and confusion about how your body could betray you. All the stuff that Cancer brings into a life, whether you are a survivor or a loved one, or whatever your relationship to that shit is. I try not to make those thoughts this overbearing or weird part of my life, even though all of it is very weird and makes so little sense to me. I try not to confuse my feelings of joy when I talk to Rebbecca with the feelings of sadness I have for why we are friends in the first place. I try not get freaked out about how unfair it is someone so full of life is no longer here. I try not to play the mind games my mind wants to play. And I am doing a pretty good job. The Big C doesn’t totally help with all that though. It doesn’t make me love it any less though.

Lately, I don’t have this whole life thing figured out. I am pretty filled with a lot of self doubt, wondering what it is I want to do in my life. Trying to find out how you can contribute to this narrative of human existence is hard. I’m trying to evaluate myself pretty deeply and harshly to find out how to break some of the behaviors that I have that keep me locked in my tower brooding. I’ve been given a gift. It’s a beautiful gift and I don’t want to fuck it up. I wish I didn’t think so damn much and just relied more on my id, my impulses. I don’t know if that’s something you can learn. I wish like fuck Clark was here still, cuz I know he could teach me.

Anyway, I’m still doing really awesome. It’s a weird trip. A weird place to be. But I’m gonna get that shit in my hands and make it mine.

Peace and hair grease.