Reviews By Beau Beau

My name is Beau Beau. My feeder is too busy working on his house this week to do any blogging, but I am more than qualified to review the crappy fucking music he listens to. So this shit is going down like this.

First off, I just want to say that most of the music you so called “feeders” create and listen to is total shit. 99.9% of the time I am running from the room any time the dumb ass that feeds me plays anything on his stereo. I mean, for god sakes, it’s called melody people. Timing doesn’t hurt either. You fuckers are pathetic.

So anyway, first off we have Puerto Rico Flowers. They have a four song single they put out on Fan Death Records. Over four songs, and twenty terrible minutes this guy bemoans himself over slow, trudging riffs. It sounds like when the other cat in the house is throwing up, only slowed down and with synthesizers. Fuck this sad bastard. Seriously dude, your a pansy. The sunny shores of Australia aren’t doing it for you? Dumb ass. The feeder can’t stop listening to this shit. He says it reminds him of Joy Division and The Jesus Lizard. It sounds to me like those people are just as terrible.

Fan Death records did happen to put out an album that I actually like though. Twin Stumps Seebed is the sonic equivalence of life as we know it, fucking terrible. Imagine yr trapped in a house, partially crippled because your mom was basically a feral cat that lived in squalor, you have a small urethra which makes you nearly die and you have to have your cock cut off, then you are forced to endure some idiot lunatic and his whimsical, psychotic stressed out bullshit. Imagine that, you piece a shit and go to hell. This record relates to me and I relate to it. See the balding piece of crap on the cover, yea, his life is terrible too. The album is mostly unlistanable and brings no joy or sunlight or positivity into this world. Because all of those things are fucking dead in this world. Way to go Fan Death, you finally did what you were searching for. Hey shit fucks, I heard Pitchfork gave this album a 7.4. Bet that critical recognition from a bunch of half witted twats really got you guys stoked. Idiots.

Yea, so the feeder has also been playing Get Rad’s I Can Always Live. Oh Boy, another hardcore record with a vocalist who can’t sing. Oh yea, and your not cleaver with the Get Rad, I Can Always Live thing either. I mean I know it snows a lot in Minneapolis and that slows down the cerebral functions, but seriously. And that song “Drug Off Choice” which is about pizza, that’s what your bringing to the table? What are you guys 15? I could write a better song than that and I am a cat without thumbs. For the love of god, what is wrong with you people? Feeder boys and their arrested development. Your blazing fast hardcore and gruffy vocal stylings are no more artistically insightful than Minor Threat back in 1981, okay. Shit was played out when they did it, you’re not really adding to the cause. Oh and the cover art, really? I mean the man hasn’t even been in the ground for a year. Tasteless, absolutely tasteless. Your attempts at humor and irony fall short of the punch line fellas. Jesus, I can’t do this anymore. What the fuck.

So that’s all from me this week. God I hope I don’t have to do this again. Music is fucking terrible. You’re all fucking stupid.

Editors Note: The views expressed in the above post do not necessarily reflect those of the editorial staff here at Franconia Station. While we normally strive for integrity and honesty and review music we actually like, the fact is, house work is fucking stressful. We regret handing over the controls to Beau Beau the cat. But lets face it, he was doomed from the start. He was after all named after this guy:

photo by Colin Germain.                                                 .

I mean, that shit is fucked up right? Who does that to a cat?

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